I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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