She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
