My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This is classic penis vs brain.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
