last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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