be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.