So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
