New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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