Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.