I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
