Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
