those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd cum for enchiladas.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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