well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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