I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
