I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
