mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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