yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
