I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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