The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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