You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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