What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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