my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
