I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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