when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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