she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
