genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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