so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I love you. Go after that dick
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
