Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
