If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
