Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
