I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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