Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
