____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
