He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
