took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
