You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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