I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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