I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
