like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
