his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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