i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
