i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
