my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
