I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
