How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
