my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
