I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
