saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
