Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
