I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
