nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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