woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
