FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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