Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
