I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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