cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You dont lie about slip and slides
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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