I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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