There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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