Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
