U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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