My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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