Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
