My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
