i would punch a child for taco bell
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
did you just send me my own nude
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
