I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
