I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
