sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
