Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
